Another week, another round of dating, relationship, and breakup questions from readers! In this one, I’m answering a reader who feels concerned about her husband and his frequent online flirtations.
But first, if you’re new to the blog, Welcome! Dear Dating Bitch is a segment where I dole out relationship advice à la Miss Manners (only, you know, not quite as politely.)
So, let’s get to the questions, shall we?
Dear Dating Bitch is my online advice column. Submit to me here (don’t worry, it’s anonymous!)
*Note: questions may have been edited for length/clarity.
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Q: After doing a full 7 months of No Contact, I sent my Ex a message asking if he was OK. He replied saying “Yes,” but then blocked me 5 hours later. What does this mean? I have no intention of getting back with him.
– Concerned about being blocked
Dear Concerned about Being Blocked:
I think it means your ex doesn’t want to talk to you.
I’m sure that’s difficult to hear. And I can tell from your letter that you’re hurt by the way you’re racking your brain trying to come up with reasons for why he would do such a thing when all you wanted to do was check that he was OK. But sometimes the simplest answer is the correct one.
In this case, the simple (and likeliest) answer is that he just doesn’t want any further communication with you.
As for why he doesn’t want any further communication, I really can’t answer that. Maybe there’s more to the story that you’re not sharing. (For instance, did you follow up with him multiple times after the initial response? Did you imply that you wanted to continue talking somewhat regularly? Did you press for answers as to whether or not he’s really OK?)
Or maybe you did nothing wrong and he just straight up doesn’t want to talk to his ex. Which, you know, fair.
But, regardless of the reason, there’s no use over-analyzing this one. Your ex blocked you. You didn’t want to get back together with him anyway. All you wanted to do was check in with him. (I’m honestly not sure why, but I’m sure you have your own reasons, so I’ll save that lecture).
Take this as a sign that you’re a kinder person than him and move on.
Q: My husband has been telling girls online that they look “banging hot.” We’re both in our late 30’s/early 40’s. We’ve been married for 8 years now. I’ve caught him many times hitting on other women on social media. He’s telling them that they’re sexy or gorgeous. But he never says these things to me!
When I confront him about this, he gets mad and asks why I’m looking at his profile. It’s on public social media sites, though, where everyone can see. He also sees nothing wrong with what he’s doing, and says it’s “just a comment” to someone he’ll never actually meet.
Am I just being overly jealous here? Is this a sign that he’s getting bored? I need advice please!
– Concerned about Husband and His Wandering Eye
Dear Concerned About Husband and His Wandering Eye:
To be honest, I’m less concerned about his wandering eye on Instagram (I’m sure you look at a shirtless Jason Mamoa from time to time) and more concerned about your husband’s response to you in this situation.
But, I’ll address that (somewhat unspoken) part of your question, here first. Your husband looking at and finding other women attractive does not – I repeat, DOES NOT – make him any less attracted to you. You can love someone deeply, find them unbelievably sexy, and still find a way to admire the aesthetically pleasing stranger with rock-hard abs.
The fact that he doesn’t compliment you as frequently or emphatically as he does these online strangers is a tad more concerning. I say ‘a tad’ because as people start to grow more comfortable with one another in a relationship, they tend to start taking them for granted. Compliments and other bouts of affection naturally decrease over time, which is normal. (Seeing as he’s frequently handing out these affirmations to randos online instead of his wife, it’s also normal for you to feel jealous or unloved.)
Here’s what really has me concerned about husband, though:
The way he’s responded to your complaints about this habit of his. Instead of listening to you or trying to understand why you’re feeling upset about it, he’s turning the situation around on you. Further, he’s asking why you have the nerve to look at his (public!) profile.
He’s either very defensive in general, or he’s hiding something. Or, he’s just a shitty husband and you should think twice about the otherwise happy marriage you think you have.
My advice: try one more time to have a conversation with him about this, but wait until you’re in a relatively calm state of mind (i.e. – NOT when you’ve just seen his utterly ridiculous comment to @ashleymadison69 about that nearly nude Insta pic she’s posted.)
“Dirk, I want to talk to you about something that’s really been bothering me. I know you don’t see anything wrong with telling girls online how attractive they are. But it’s incredibly hurtful and upsetting to me. I don’t want to argue with you about whether or not it’s right or wrong. But I want you to understand how this makes me feel.” (Then explain to him exactly how you feel.)
If his reaction to this is anything other than kind, thoughtful, and attentive, you should seek therapy (either with or without him.)
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Conclusion: Wife Concerned about Husband Has Reason to Worry
It’s normal to find those outside of your relationship attractive. And it’s even normal to occasionally flirt with said strangers. But it’s never OK to ignore how your behavior impacts your partner.
Still, I’m curious to know what you think about this.
Do you agree with my advice to this wife concerned about husband flirting online? Let me know in the comments below!
As always, thanks for reading!
P.S. – Don’t forget to send in your own questions here!
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