Dear Dating Bitch: Advice on Feeling Accomplished and Retroactive Jealousy

Hi friends, and welcome back to the first Dear Dating Bitch of 2023! I know it’s been a while since my last advice column post, but I’ve been crazy busy. Not always a bad thing – at least it helps me feel accomplished!

Speaking of, I’ll be answering a letter about that very feeling (or lack-thereof) in today’s post.

If you’re new to the blog, Dear Dating Bitch is my online advice column where I give general life and relationship advice to readers, agony aunt style.

Normally, I try and find similar questions to group together. That’s not always easy, but today, I’ve got two that relate to specific posts I’ve written in the past. So, yay!

Oh, and if you’re in need of some advice, go ahead and submit your questions here. And don’t worry – it’s always anonymous.

Dear Dating B: Advice Column

Q: I have just turned 27 and feel so unaccomplished. I work a 9-5 job Mon-Fri as an admin. I’m a home owner. And I currently live with my partner and our dog. But I have no hobbies.

I do have several interests but I’m finding it difficult to do anything with them. I’d love to have an advice column, but I don’t know where to start. And I love photography and have been practicing, but I can’t figure out how to get there. I feel like I am very passionate and driven, but I keep hitting these brick walls. Please advise me on how to feel more accomplished.

Just want to feel accomplished

Dear Accomplished:

You start your letter with your age, but rest assured, 27 is hardly that old! I know when you’re in a lull it can feel like time is passing you by and you’ve got nothing to show for it, but it’s never too late to pursue your dream.

Toni Morrison published her first novel, The Bluest Eye, at the age of 39. Christina Clancy, who wrote one of my favorite recent reads, Shoulder Season, didn’t publish her first book until 52. Vera Wang didn’t start designing wedding dresses until she was 40. And Ty Burrell was 42 by the time he got his big break on Modern Family.

All of those people found great success later in life, or, later for their respective careers. I’m sure Ty Burrell thought he was too old to make it as an actor, but now he’s worth over $25 million!

On top of that, I’d invite you to re-read your letter. Here’s what I see: a home-owner, a dog-parent, a full-time employee, a long-term partner, and a passion-driven photographer. And, moreover, a person who is willing and able to ask for advice.

I’d say you’ve accomplished a lot!

It’s great that you’ve got a lot of interests, and even better that you’re actively trying to do something with them. If you’re interested in starting an advice column, I’ve got a specific blog post about how to do that. I’m afraid I’m not the right person to guide you in the photography arena, but I would suggest that you find people in your area who are and go to them for help. Or use the internet! Find photography classes, groups, or chat-rooms dedicated to aspiring photographers.

Finally, a good therapist can help you figure out how to deal with those thoughts of not being accomplished enough.

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Q: I recently read your article on Retroactive Jealousy. Thank you so much for that; it was a great read. I have a question, though, about permanent relief.

My boyfriend has been having RJ issues for over six months and it seems to keep getting worse. I made the mistake of answering his questions because I wanted to give him clarity, but as you said, it’s only temporary relief. My question is, if we follow your steps, how can we get permanent relief? And is there hope that he can overcome his RJ as it almost ended our relationship a few times.

Retroactive Jealousy Partner

Dear Retroactive Jealousy:

First of all, thank you so much for this! I always feel good when I know my advice has helped someone. And it’s always fun to go back and re-read my older posts. That was one I wrote when I first started and it’s inspired me to start adding more gifs in my posts!

But, I’m afraid, that’s where the good news ends.

Retroactive jealousy is really difficult – both for the person struggling and their partner, so I definitely feel for you here. I also feel for your partner. As frustrated as you might be, I guarantee he’s just as frustrated if not more. His jealousy might seem irrational to you (and it probably is irrational) but it’s also something that’s causing him a lot of distress.

If you haven’t already, I’d start by sitting him down and talking to him about all of this. Show him my posts, and other articles, on the topic, to help him understand. He might not even be fully aware of why he’s having this kind of jealousy. While you’re at it, talk with him about how you’re affected by it. Don’t blame or accuse, but just have an honest conversation about how much it’s hurting you both.

From now on, when he does ask you probing questions, DON’T answer them. Based on your letter, you’ve already figured out that it does more harm than good. Stick to a firm, but loving, response:

“Partner, I’m not going to answer that. I know you think you need more clarity, but this is just your retroactive jealousy talking. I love you, but I’m going to change the subject now.”

He’ll push back on it, trust me, but stick to that answer. Every. Single. Time.

Finally, yes, there is hope for overcoming RJ, but it’s something that your partner needs to actively work on. Ask him to consider therapy – couple’s therapy would actually be very beneficial for you here. And if he says no, seek therapy for yourself.

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Conclusion

I know these letters were vastly different, but they were both so personal and I wanted to reply to both writers. Also, there was the common theme of being about a topic I have written extensively about before.

What do you think of my advice this week? Let me know in the comments below!

As always, thanks for reading. If you’ve got questions of your own, make sure to send them to me here!

xx
Katie

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