What to do when there’s not enough Excitement in the Relationship
Advice to a reader who thinks there’s not enough excitement in the relationship
Hey friends! Welcome back to another edition of my online agony aunt segment, Dear Dating Bitch, where I answer your questions about love, dating, and relationships.
And now, here’s the advice for this week!
Dear Dating Bitch is my online advice column. Submit to me here (don’t worry, it’s anonymous!)
*Note: questions may have been edited for length/clarity.
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Q: My partner and I have been together for a long time and I feel like our spark is dying because of it. What can I do to make the relationship more exciting?
– Craving Excitement in the Relationship
Dear Craving Excitement in the Relationship:
I wish you’d given me a bit more background information, such as your age (and your partners) and what exactly you mean when you say that your “spark is dying.” Do you feel like you no longer have romantic or loving feelings towards him? Or, are you feeling as though there’s been a decline in sex/excitement/infatuation?
Given the way that you’ve phrased your question, I’m going to assume it’s the latter and answer accordingly.
First, off, it’s entirely natural (and, honestly, healthy) for the excitement to dim a little as a relationship goes on. Think about the beginning stages of a new romance – there’s so much emotion and adrenaline (is he going to call me back? Oh my god, we have another date on Saturday, what will I wear? When should I introduce him to my friends and family?) and as fun as that is, it can’t possibly continue indefinitely. God, how exhausting would it be if it did!?
Relationships go through phases and that early-stage infatuation eventually gives way to something akin to contentment: people are more comfortable with their partners’ and the relationship, and that can sometimes feel boring. Especially for those who are younger, when there’s an intense longing for the rush of excitement.
My advice is to talk with your partner about this.
It’s likely that they might get (understandably) upset or defensive, so it’ll be helpful to go into this conversation prepared. Make sure you’re calm and that you approach them from the mindset of “I want to improve our relationship and our connection,” rather than, “You’re boring me and I want more excitement in the relationship.”
Think about what it is that you want more of in your relationship. Are you wanting more physical affection? More sex? Do you want more romance? To go on more date nights? Is your partner different than they were early on (i.e. – more introverted or less willing to go on adventures?)
Tell your partner specifically what it is that you’re wanting from them and offer suggestions of what would help. There are a ton of things you could suggest to spice things up – go on a vacation together, try a new experience (skydiving, axe throwing, indoor climbing), learn something new together (take a painting class or dance lessons) or introduce something new in the bedroom (lingerie is an easy thing to add.)
If you’re not wanting to spend a lot of money, check out these 17 at-home date ideas. If you’re a Dating Bitch member, I also have a few printables in my Freebies Library for couples and doing an activity like that could help increase your intimacy.
And then see if they have any ideas or suggestions of their own.
**UPDATE on Craving More Excitement in the Relationship
After publishing this post, I received another letter from the original writer of “Craving More Excitement in the Relationship” who writes:
I want to clarify that it’s sexually and romantically. I’m 24 and he’s 26. We’ve been together for 6 years and I feel like the passion between us is dying. Hope this helps.
Dear Craving More Excitement in the Relationship Updated:
Thank you for sending in more information, and it does help (also – I LOVE that you actually responded to my original answer when I stated that I wished I had more information!) I think that, for the most part, my answer to you would be the same: talk to your partner about what you feel is lacking and what you want more of.
You mention that the excitement you’re craving is of a sexual and romantic nature, so I would advise that you offer up some suggestions to your partner about adding some spice to your sex life. There are numerous ways of doing that. Some initial examples I thought of: add lingerie or sexy outfits, watch *adult* movies together to get in the mood, try new positions, use toys, or role-play.
Also talk to your partner – maybe ask him about his fantasies. Are there any that he has that you’re not aware of? Is he satisfied with your sex life? What does he want to do to spice it up more? If it’s a matter of not having enough sex, you could also try “scheduling” it. Not in the way of, “OK, every Tuesday night we’re going to sleep together,” but maybe have a weekly “date night” where you set aside time to go to dinner or watch a movie together or just take a walk at night. Having some time carved out might create enough romance to spark some night-time loving afterwards.
Hopefully this helps!
Q: Should I avoid going to places where I might run into my ex?
– Is our favorite bar now off limits?
Dear Is Our Favorite Bar Now Off Limits:
This is an interesting question – my initial, gut-reaction response was to say No, don’t change your own life to accommodate someone who hurt you.
But, on the other hand, you also shouldn’t continue going to your weekly trivia night where you know your ex will be at just to prove a point. In other, words, it’s going to have to be a judgement call on a case-by-case basis.
If there’s a specific place or event he’ll for sure be at (like a bar he goes to every Wednesday or a mutual friend’s game night), go ahead and avoid it. If it’s just a bar that he likes or a restaurant close to his house, there’s no need to steer clear. Unless you live in a crazily small town, it’s not super likely that you’ll run into him at your local BBQ joint, but on the off chance that you do, smile and say a polite hello before continuing on with your business.
Q: I want to try a new sexual position, but I’m scared of how he might react. What do I do?
– Wanting Sexual Excitement
Dear Wanting Sexual Excitement:
Ask him! I’m not sure why you’re nervous about this (what kind of ‘scary’ new position are you wanting to introduce?!) but don’t be. Take a deep breath, adopt a calm, seductive demeanor, and then say to him, “Hey, there’s this position I thought it could be fun for us to try.”
I’m almost certain he’ll reply by saying, “Oh, tell me more,” and, whether he too wants to try this new position or not, opening up about your desires will likely bring the two of you closer together.
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That’s all the advice I have for this week! Tune in next time for more opinions from an honest bitch.
Do you agree with my advice? Do you have any of your own tips on how to create more excitement in the relationship? Let me know in the comments below!
Thanks for reading!
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Love this post! It’s so important to normalise a stable, happy relationship that goes through up and downs in excitement/romance. I hate that pop culture teaches young people to look for fiery, heated relationships.. who has the energy for that?!! 💗
yeah communication is essential. Ask your partner what they want & tell what you want.
Can’t stress the importance of good communication enough!
I agree that it is natural and healthy for the sparks to dim the longer a relationship lasts. Every new romance is exciting, which adds heat, but that can only last so long as a couple gets more comfortable with each other. Sadly, sometimes people give up on relationships because of that, but there are ways to add the excitement back. You gave great advice here. Communication is important and can make such a difference.
That’s so true – but I think people who do that are chasing something that doesn’t exist. Eventually, you either have to understand that relationships all have ups and downs or you’ll have to be content with changing partners every few years.
Brilliant pieces of advice, I loved reading this! Deffo agree with you point about bumping into an ex xx
Kill em with kindness as my mom used to say!
This is a really interesting post. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you! xx
This is some great advice. Communication is definitely key.
So glad you enjoyed!
It’s a wonderful post with a brilliant piece of advice, Katie! Indeed, effective and healthy communication make things happen. Moreover, when people try to bring themselves in others’ shoe it’s bit more easier to solve such kind a situations! Always a joy to read your post!
Awe, thank you so much!
Great advice! Communication is so important in a relationship.
I completely agree! Thanks for reading xx
I’ve been with my partner nearly nine years and like everything else in life we go through phases. Excitement and infatuation isn’t sustainable long term without things like trust and communication etc. We recently had a chat about how we’d both gotten a little lazy in regards to our relationship so we make sure we go for a nice walk together somewhere nice once a week and it’s amazing the difference that time can make.
That’s a really great tip! It’s a “small” thing, but I can see how it can make a huge difference to have set-aside time for a lover.
great advice! talking things out is seriously key. if you want to make a change in a relationship, you have to discuss it otherwise your partner will never know what’s up.
Exactly! People aren’t mind-readers so it’s imperative to communicate!
You’ve provided some good solid advice. After being married for many yearss, I’d say communication is key. Thanks for sharing.
That’s so true! Thanks for reading!
I do agree with your advice. That ‘scary’ got me lol. Liked your reply to the first one that was very nice. And the post is a great idea. Xx
Isa A. Blogger
Lol, yeah, I didn’t get any specifics in that question, but I think it’s always worth it to talk about what you’re wanting in a relationship.
Solid advice all around. Communication solves a whole lot of problems in any relationship. Just talk to each other, you would be surprised how effective it can be!