Advice on Non-Monogamy: The Perks and Pitfalls of an Open Relationship
Hello, hello! It’s another advice column piece from your favorite (only?) dating bitch.
If you’re new to the blog, Dear Dating Bitch is my online advice segment where I answer questions from readers like you!
Today, I’ve got a few questions for you, all of which are related to opening up your relationship in some way. Let’s get to the advice, shall we?
*Note: questions may have been edited for length/clarity.
Dear Dating Bitch is my online advice column. Submit to me here (don’t worry, it’s anonymous!)
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Q:Is it wrong that I no longer feel fully satisfied sexually by my boyfriend because I miss having sex with women. For context, I’m bisexual and I’ve been with my boyfriend 5+ years, but lately I’ve been craving lesbian sex. What do I do?
– Craving something more
Dear Craving More:
To start off with, No, it’s not wrong for you to feel that way.
Having feelings is not wrong. Even when those feelings are uncomfortable or can potentially hurt someone else. Simply having them doesn’t make you bad. Feelings are not something we can control. Actions, on the other hand… actions are.
There’s nothing wrong with wanting to explore sex with different partners, but now you need to consider your next move. Obviously, cheating on your boyfriend with a woman would not be a good idea. (For the life of me, I can’t think of a scenario where cheating on a partner would be a good idea, but if one exists, it’s not this.)
So, here are the options as I see them:
1. Break up with your boyfriend to pursue relationships with women.
2. Ask your boyfriend for an open relationship. (Or some other form of non-monogamy that would allow you to explore this craving.)
That’s it! Those are the options.
Of course, with scenario 2, you run the risk of him saying no. In that case, you might have to consider option 1 again. But, before you do anything else, I think you need to do some serious introspection and then talk to your boyfriend – in that order, too.
You mention in your letter that you’re bisexual and give that as a reason for why you’re feeling unsatisfied with your sex life. That very well might be true! OR it could be that you’re feeling unsatisfied in general and the fact that you’re bisexual makes you think that’s the root cause. As a straight woman, I can’t tell you which one that is, but I do know that people tend to try and find the easiest explanation for difficult feelings.
Take some time to think about what you’re feeling. Are you genuinely just craving a different kind of sex? Or is what you’re really craving a different kind of relationship?
If, after that, you’re certain that you want to continue being with your boyfriend, you need to talk to him. Explain that you have started to crave lesbian sex and that your sex life together is not really satisfying to you anymore (I’d try to find a way of saying this that doesn’t come across as, “You don’t do it for me anymore, babe.”)
You can’t force him to be OK with an open-relationship if it’s not something he’s into, and unfortunately, that might mean that the two of you should go your separate ways. But ultimately, that’s better than continuing to repress your needs and wants which would lead to either you feeling resentful of him or you cheating on him (or both.)
Q: How do I tell my boyfriend I want to try explore something new in our relationship like sex toys and vibrators without offending him and making him feel like he’s not enough.
– Cautiously Curious
Dear Cautiously Curious:
“Joe, I’ve been thinking lately that it might be really fun to try something new in the bedroom. I’d really like to try X,Y,Z. What do you think about that?”
Introducing the idea in a playful, sexy way is a good bet and unless he has some serious insecurity issues, he probably won’t even think that your suggestion is in any way a dig at him or his bedroom skills. If, for whatever reason, he does think that, you may need to rethink the relationship.
Q: My boyfriend wants to have sex with other girls too. I offered an open relationship but he said he wasn’t interested in that. We love each other so we don’t want to break up.
– Open Relationship Offer Denied
Dear Open Relationship Offer Denied:
I don’t mean to sound rude here, but I think you need to reconsider how much you actually love this guy. He told you that he wants to sleep with other women, to which you responded with a (beyond considerate and open-minded!) offer of polyamory. That could’ve been the end of the issue but he said no to your offer.
What he’s suggesting, then, is an open relationship for HIM. But he expects you to stay committed and monogamous. I have nothing against those who want to be polygamous, but what I do disagree with is this sort of power-imbalance. It suggests a high level of control and I think you’d be wise to get out of this relationship.
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Conclusion: Considering an Open Relationship
That’s it for this week friends! I hope my advice was helpful to anyone considering an open relationship. I’m always interested in hearing your thoughts and opinions so please chime in!
Have you ever been in an open relationship? Would you consider it? Let me know in the comments below.
As always, my loves, thanks for reading!
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