Not Your Typical Christmas Poem: A Satirical Holiday Ode

Startled Santa - A Christmas Poem

An Absurdist Christmas Poem

Hello friends! Christmas is this weekend, are you as excited as I am? I hope so! For today’s post, I wanted to do something a bit different. So, instead of an article, I’m sharing a Christmas poem.

But, before we get into it, I’ve got a few minor disclaimers to make about it.

I wrote this poem years ago as a joke. It’s definitely not a typical holiday poem – some people might even find it rather distasteful or offensive. If that’s you, I do apologize. And my only real “excuse” is that I found it funny. πŸ€·β€β™€οΈ

In fact, I found it so funny that I decided to send it out to my friends and family with my holiday card that year! Not everyone on my Christmas card list, mind you. But, I sent it to a lot of my family members who all loved it. My dad especially – he even wanted me to try and get it published.

Now, I’ve got a bit of an odd family, so I knew they wouldn’t be offended by it. I also knew that they would understand the intention behind it (which, I’ll explain at the end.) And I’m really hoping that you all feel the same way.

So, without further ado, please enjoy my absurdist Christmas Poem.

Christmas flat lay - a satirical Christmas poem by the Dating B.

And Now, The Dating B. Presents:

A Christmas Poem

Now here is a story about jolly old Saint Nick,
I met him last year, and he’s kind of a dick!
I went down to the mall and sat down on his lap,
He said, β€œLet me guess, you want a whole bunch of crap?”
 
Then with a smile, that was creepy and weird,
He asked if I wanted a ride on his beard,
And suggested I ask for a pair of β€œcome-on-me tits”
β€œAnd maybe to match it, an ass-that-won’t quit.”
 
I sat there quite stunned; I didn’t know what to say,
Where was the Santa who was merry and gay?
Instead, this old bastard was crabby and crude,
And flabby and shabby and racist and lewd!
 
He was chewing tobacco and talked as he spit,
And he reeked of reindeer urine and shit.
As you can imagine, I left without pause
But that wasn’t the last I saw of old Mr. Claus.
 
Cause Christmas Eve was not far away,
And Santa was coming to my house in his sleigh.
He slid down the chimney shoot like a creep
And snuck into my bedroom while I lay asleep.
 
He came stumbling in smelling of smoke,
And when - with a great fright - I awoke,
He gave me a glass of warm herbal tea
But it tasted a little bit funny to me.
 
Then he ripped off his tear-away Santa suit,
He even had tear-away undies to boot!
He was trying to pull a Bill Cosby that night!
I was feeling afraid, until I saw in the light;
 
Then I started to laugh – I couldn’t help it at all,
Santa was hung like an Elf and had only one ball!
And hearing me chuckle made old Nick go red,
He pulled on his pants and leapt off the bed.
 
He ran from my house that night in a hurry, 
Then he hopped in his sleigh and rode away with a flurry.
And I’m telling you this, though I’ll sure hit a nerve – 
Keep your kids far from Santa – the old man’s a perv!

Absurdist Christmas Poem – The Intention Behind It

Now that you’ve read the poem, I’m SUPER curious to know what you thought of it. And, I’m even more curious to know what you think of my family. πŸ™ˆ

I personally think they’re a ton of fun! And, even though I wrote it as a joke, I was actually pretty proud of this poem. I’ve always loved creative writing, but I don’t typically write traditional poetry (or poems that rhyme.)

But, I do understand that it might be off-putting for some people. For one thing, there’s the language. (Although, in my defense, my website is called the dating bitch, so I have to assume you’re not that put off by curse words.) And, secondly, there’s the subject matter.

Again, I wrote this years ago – it was right around the time when the Bill Cosby allegations were piling up. The #MeToo movement was gaining traction, and a lot of powerful men were finally being held accountable for their disgusting behavior.

Although the poem pokes fun at the idea of Santa, another powerful man, being a sexual predator, it’s certainly not meant to downplay the seriousness of these issues. Rather, the intention was one of empowerment. If we can laugh about the painful nature of ‘Me Too’ and ‘Cancel Culture,’ we can take some of the power back from the men who have abused it for so long.

What did you think of my absurdist Christmas poem? Did it offend you or do you agree with my intention? Let me know in the comments below!

I always want to know your honest opinions, so please share them!

xx Katie

12 Thoughts on Not Your Typical Christmas Poem: A Satirical Holiday Ode
    Jaya Avendel
    20 Dec 2021
    9:57am

    Loved reading this poem: I generally do not like poems that rhyme but this one managed to have a ring of truth and hilarity to it that made it both creepy and good!

      datingbitch
      20 Dec 2021
      10:27am

      Aw, thank you so much!

    Fransic verso
    20 Dec 2021
    1:09pm

    Amazing poem, I like how it rhymes and talks about the holiday and Christmas. Well done! Thank you for sharing!

      datingbitch
      21 Dec 2021
      7:14am

      Thanks so much! Glad you enjoyed!

    Heidy
    20 Dec 2021
    6:03pm

    I liked this poem! Very funny

      datingbitch
      21 Dec 2021
      7:15am

      Thank you!

    Vourneen
    22 Dec 2021
    11:09am

    Katie this is brilliant!! I cant believe it’s not published yet. I really hope you write more poems and share with us. And I kind of want to hang out with your family now too πŸ˜‚

      datingbitch
      22 Dec 2021
      11:43am

      LOL – I actually sent it in to a humor poetry contest a few years ago but it didn’t win. And I wasn’t really sure that anywhere else would publish it, so I figured I’d do it myself!

      My family is a lot of fun, for sure!

    Pinecanvasblog
    22 Dec 2021
    1:05pm

    That was a great taste of humor πŸ™‚ Although it has been bothering me for some time now … an old man wishing to put small kids in his lap and parents encouraging this … that would probably make a good twisted Christmas creep movie πŸ™‚

      datingbitch
      22 Dec 2021
      1:42pm

      Agree – the concept in general is a big odd and creepy!

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